what do i say to someone who is dying

The stop of a person'due south life is an important time for friends and family members to reach out with words of caring, support, and gratitude. Unfortunately, our civilisation isn't particularly comfortable with death and dying. Most of us feel stifled and awkward when we retrieve about what to say to someone in hospice care who has days or months to live.

Confession time: I'one thousand a longtime Hallmark author, and I however felt stumped when asked about writing this kind of message. Luckily, I piece of work with thoughtful people who have directly feel as caregivers and family members of someone in hospice, and they were gracious enough to share what they've learned.

The showtime is Tracy Riley, who is both a Hallmark administrative pro and an experienced hospice nurse. If that sounds like ii careers, well, it is—but Tracy is passionate about both Hallmark'southward mission of helping people connect emotionally and hospice'south telephone call to care for individuals and families facing the finish of life. The second is Marn Jensen, a retired Authentication writer and editor who has seen both of her parents through hospice care in recent years. Marn also continues to stay connected to hospice through participants in her 2018 Wishes for the Globe projection.

I've organized these writing tips and approaches by theme, merely you lot certainly don't have to stick to simply one theme in what you lot write or say to someone who is dying. Whether you're writing a note, spending time with them, or both, I hope you'll find ideas for messages that offer comfort, bring a smiling and, almost of all, let someone know how much their life has meant to you.

• Acceptance
• Thank you
• I Dearest Y'all
• Nosotros Volition Exist Okay
• Life and Legacy
• Lightheartedness and Sense of humor
• To Family and Caregivers
• What NOT to Say

Credence

Co-ordinate to hospice nurse Tracy Riley, by the time a person has entered hospice care, they've accepted the fact that they're dying, and it's helpful for them to know that family unit and friends have accustomed this, likewise.

"They're tired of pain, tired of suffering, tired of fighting," says Tracy. "You lot can keep praying for a miracle, but the person who'due south dying needs you to affirm that it's okay to finish fighting and to focus on peace and comfort instead."

Examples

• "I know this wasn't an like shooting fish in a barrel decision to make. Just want you to know I back up you and I'm glad y'all're making the most of this time with the people yous love."
• "I don't like this, only we're going to exercise our best with this time."
• "I'1000 sad, of course, but I'm likewise glad y'all're in a place where y'all don't accept to fight so hard anymore."
• "I'thou praying for you to experience at peace and to know how much yous're loved."

Helpful tip: Hospice care tends to concluding from several days to six months. For someone who spends months in hospice, there will be more than opportunities to write and visit, so consider reaching out multiple times.

Thank You

"Thanks" is one key message that writer and editor Marn Jensen tried to express ofttimes to her mother and father during their fourth dimension in hospice. Gratitude for the person'southward life, their caring, and their influence really does make for a warm and affirming message. And that's true for anyone from an immediate family fellow member to a friend to more than distant connections.

Examples

• "Thank you for all the days you lot've fabricated brighter just past being y'all. At that place have been more of them than I can count."
• "Thinking of the proficient life you lot've lived, the great times nosotros've shared, and feeling so grateful for you."
• "Yous've been such an important role of my life, and for that, I'll ever be grateful."
• "I and so admire the warm, funny, genuine person you are. My life will forever be better considering you've been part of it."
• "I wish nosotros could take more fourth dimension together, but I want you to know I cherish the times we have had and the time we nonetheless have."
• "Thanks for being the one and only you and for being a blessing to so many people—especially me."
• "I've been beyond lucky to know you. Give thanks yous."
• "You lot've been the best dad. Thanks."

Helpful tip: Embracing a gratitude mindset can help you shift your message focus from the sadness of dying to the meaning in living.

I Love Y'all

"I dearest you" is the other key message Marn took care to express oft to her parents while they were in hospice. It's almost the warmest thing you can say to a family unit member or good friend, and it means even more to someone who is dying. Even if information technology's not the kind of human relationship where y'all say "beloved" often, this is one time of life when you lot'll feel good that yous did. And and so will they.

Examples

• "I love yous and then much, Mom."
• "Hoping you're having a good day and sending you my dearest…"
• "I love you. Thank yous for loving me, too."
• "It hurts to let you lot get, but I wouldn't trade one moment of all we've shared. I love you with all my heart."

Helpful tip: You could also end any written bulletin with a "love" closing: "Love," "With dearest," "Lots of love," "Love and prayers," etc.

We Volition Be Okay

According to Tracy, it'southward stressful for someone in hospice to worry about how loved ones will get along without them.  So even though it probably feels far from okay to lose someone close to you lot, it'due south of import to communicate that you will exist okay, and that of import people and pets will be taken care of, too.

Examples

• "You've taken such good care of all of us for so long. We'll miss that, and nosotros'll miss you, but nosotros'll be all correct. We'll find ways to take care of each other."
• "I thing I want to brand sure you know is that I will honor yous in taking care of the kids and exercise the same things for them that you would have washed."
• "I hope information technology eases your mind a little to know Spot is going to make his new forever home with Kathy and Tom. They're happy to have him, and they promise to love him but similar you practise."
• "Of grade, I'm going to miss yous similar crazy, but yous don't need to worry near me. I'll be okay."
• "Maybe we're non exactly okay right now, but in time, we volition be. Luckily, we've got a lot of caring people effectually usa to help us through after you've gone."
• "I promise you lot're not worried about anyone or anything right now. I hope you simply experience surrounded by honey."

Helpful tip: It's fine to honestly acknowledge how awful or unfair it is that this person you care nigh is dying. Simply don't dwell there. Try to follow the acknowledgement with comfort: "This is and so hard, just information technology'southward practiced to know you're home with your family around you…" Or, "I really hate the thought of losing you lot, but I'thou glad you don't have to keep struggling so hard anymore…"

Life and Legacy

Information technology'due south also helpful for a person who is dying to hear they added something good to the world, their life mattered, and their influence will live on—in things they accomplished, lessons they taught, traditions yous'll keep, and across.

Examples

• "I hope you're proud of the amazing family unit you've raised. Thanks for putting some good humans into the earth."
• "Yous're someone who has used your life to touch and then many others. I'll e'er experience incredibly lucky that mine was one of them."
• "You lot've shaped our customs in ways that will live on beyond you, and then cheers."
• "Okay, so clearly you lot didn't invent a cure for cancer. Simply you've still done so many good things in life—for your family, for your church building, in your career, and for all of us who care nearly yous. I promise you feel swell near the divergence you've made."
• "Simply so you lot know, we'll exist pouring an extra glass for you at vino book guild. You've been the centre and soul of our coiffure, and we program to continue it going in your honor."
• "I wish my kids were onetime enough to know y'all meliorate, just don't worry. They're going to know all your funny stories and weird traditions. They'll know their Papa Frank is a huge function of what makes our family so keen."
• "A friend like y'all doesn't come forth very oftentimes. You made and then many tough times easier and the best times even meliorate. I hold every memory we've made together shut to my centre."

Helpful tip: "The stop of life is difficult, but it can besides exist cute," Marn says. "Then exist nowadays yet you can. Practice your all-time to make information technology nigh that person and non about you or your nervousness about saying the wrong affair."

Lightheartedness and Humor

Tracy also emphasizes the underestimated importance of humor in communicating with someone in hospice: "A person who's dying doesn't want everyone to deed distressing around them all the fourth dimension. They appreciate it when someone is willing to kid around with them."

Then especially when sense of humour has ever been part of your relationship, feel free to be real and lighten things up a fleck.

Examples

• "Are you sure this isn't just some elaborate show you're putting on earlier you get off and disappear to a tropical island?"
• "This whole loungewear look yous've got going on probably isn't your best ever, but don't worry. You're still pretty cool. And I nevertheless beloved you."
• "May I just say that information technology actually sucks that you're dying? Hey, this is me here—not some kind of poet."
• "Wow, patently some people will do anything to get out of working. JK—I miss y'all, and I've been thinking about you lot a lot."
• "Are you still allowed scotch? Because I'grand pretty certain this calls for one."

Helpful tip: Tracy also mentioned that reading cards to the people they're caring for is a common thing for a hospice nurse to practise. And so keep that in mind as you choose your words and your funny textile. Y'all don't desire to scandalize the nurse…or the whole family!

To Family and Caregivers

Sometimes the people around the person who'southward dying are struggling even harder. It's good to reach out to them, too, either with words of support or with specific offers of aid.

Examples

• "Thinking of you equally y'all take care of your mom. What a comfort for her to take yous with her. Love to you both."
• "This must be such a challenging time for you lot and your family. Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers."
• "It's okay not to be okay right now. Remember that, and know that information technology's fine to allow some balls drop. You've got a lot of people who volition come and assistance choice them up—me, for one."
• "I don't really know what would aid most, but I figured yous still need to eat, and then here's dinner on me."
• "I know you're non able to be dwelling house a lot right at present, then I've been keeping the lawn mowed and the leaves picked upwards. No large. Just glad you're able to be with your dad."
• "Thought peradventure you could use a little interruption from worrying about nutrient on top of everything else, and so nosotros've got a Meal Train gear up up and running for you lot. Promise it helps accept a little off your listen."

Helpful tip: "Let me know if there's annihilation I can do" comes from a good place, but it puts the burden of asking on someone who'south struggling and mayhap not thinking all that clearly. For that reason, specific gestures or offers of support tend to be more helpful. If you spend a niggling time with the caregiver, you may selection upwardly on things they need without even having to ask.

What Not to Say

Basically, there are all kinds of good things you can and should say to someone at the end of their life. Just here are a few messages to skip:

• "I'm still hoping/praying for a miracle." Of course, you can continue praying on your own. Just when you lot're communicating with someone in hospice, be accepting of the fact that they've moved by this point.
• "Go on fighting." Be respectful of their decision to terminate fighting.
• "Everything happens for a reason." This unintentionally implies that the person must have done something wrong to deserve to dice.
• "This is God'southward plan/volition." Even people of organized religion are sometimes angry at the end of life, and probable to struggle with this idea. Telling them that you're praying for peace and comfort would be a ameliorate way to go.
• "You wait great!" Unless they do, only they probably don't, and they probably know it. Just be real with them.

Helpful Tip: "Lesser line," says Tracy Riley, "exist honest, be authentic, and don't sugarcoat things." In other words, be your caring self, and you'll exercise fine.

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Source: https://ideas.hallmark.com/articles/sympathy-ideas/hospice-messages-what-to-write-to-someone-who-is-dying/

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